Please Know That There is Hope
By Jeremy
Please Note: This post contains description and discussion about suicide. Please take care when reading.
There are few times in your life when you can say that one event changed your life from that point on. My wife and I had two kids, and we adopted another one. Those are events that changed our lives from that point on.
On May 25, 2022, my life, and my family’s lives, were changed from that point on. I was in the shower when I got a call from my wife. She said that she couldn’t open my son’s door. I put on some clothes and ran to see her pounding at his door. I moved her aside and I started to kick at it. Finally, I had enough and knocked it down. Only to see something that no parent would ever want to see. I saw my son lying on the bed with his eyes open and not moving.
I knew what had happened. I immediately told my wife to take my daughters and get out of the area. I told her to put up the dogs because I knew that there would be a lot of people who would be there soon. I called 911 and walked them through the events and the situation. I went back into my son’s room and smacked his face to see if he would wake up. I saw the pistol he used (it was my pistol, the one that I got my carry permit with). He was not responsive and his skin was cold. If you ever see in the movies that people who die have their eyes closed, that is very much not the case. I still remember his eyes, the eyes of my baby boy, open and staring out into the nothing.
The next couple of days were a blur. I turned 43 two days after Konnor died. I don’t think I was celebrating. Why should I? My best friend was dead. My boy, who I held and fed and changed his diapers and played video games with and watched him grow up, was about to be in the ground near my grandfather in Centerville, TN. No parent should ever have to see this or go through this.
We tried to help him. We really did. We took him to doctors to help him with his mental situation. We helped him get the proper medicines to take. Yet, through all that we have done, it still ended in suicide. Think about it: as a parent, your main job is to protect your kids. When you can’t do that, what do you think goes through your mind and heart? My baby boy isn’t around anymore, and the hole that he left will never be filled.
It has been a year and a half since Konnor James McFarlin died. I have struggled to the point that I have given up on things that I used to like. I don’t want to admit it to people (I am a preacher, and when people see their preacher give up on some things, they, in turn, tend to lose heart). I used to like Titans football, video games, and comic books. Now I find those things not as appealing as they once were.
I have gone through several different meds to fight my own depression over the past year and half. While some have helped, as I am writing this blog, I have been in a battle with it that I don’t know if I am going to win today. Depression really does eat away at your inner self, which causes you to lose heart and just want to stay in bed. I have a job to do, a family to protect, and experiences to enjoy. Instead, I want to stay hidden and not allow anyone in.
I had hoped that my son and daughter would miss my mental situation. Instead, my son got depression, and my daughter got anxiety. It hurts me to see my daughter fight with the thing that I fight with. I want so badly to take it away, but it can’t be taken away. Which makes it worse for me seeing it unfold.
Suicide isn’t something that just happens and then it is over. It is like throwing a rock in the water. When the rock breaks the surface, it causes a big splash, and then the ripples take over and move over the plane. When Konnor died, he hurt my wife, my daughters, his grandparents and great-grandparents, and me. He hurt his church, his school, his bandmates, and many more who loved him. I hate it when people call suicide “selfish”, like the person did it out of a heart that wants to purposely hurt someone else. While it does hurt other people, I don’t believe that people tend to do it because they are selfish. The body is designed to survive. If you purposely hurt your own body, then that tells me that something isn’t right. I wouldn’t call the act selfish; I would call it a sign of something bigger.
I don’t know what more I could have done. And that is what keeps me up at night. I have rethought the day before so many times. I dream about him and wake up crying. I go into his room and see him on that bed. I hear people talk about suicide and wanting to do it and I have to fight an anger inside of me that I have never felt before. I also know that I need to be in 10 places at once and can’t do it because my depression keeps me in place. For 18 months, I haven’t really been able to enjoy life, and I don’t see that changing any time soon.
Please know that there is hope for you, even if you don’t see it at the moment. Suicide is a permanent end to a temporary situation. It hurts your family so much. Death is easy; living is hard. But it is something that you can do. Please seek help. And stay with that help. You are worth it. Please don’t give up.
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